The Healing Power of Music
When you hold your lifeless child in your arms, nothing makes sense any longer. You so desperately want answers as to why, but those answers are never fully found or understood. When you leave the hospital without your child, you hurt so badly that you feel you might die. Every breath physically hurts and you cry, oh do you cry. When you bring your child home for the first time, it’s in a tiny box full of their ashes (if you choose cremation). There are no coming home outfits, no welcome wagon full of family and friends to greet you and your new bundle of joy, no excitement. Your parting gift is a memory box full of pictures of your child, a tiny hat and outfit they wore only after they were gone, and a list of bereavement resources. The anxiety that follows is more than you can handle on your own, you are required to take anti-anxiety medications for the first time in your life. You fear everything, and I do mean everything because you now live in a world where babies die. You can no longer trust your own body, and you blame your body for betraying your child. You feel like a failure, even though you know rationally you are not. You have to come to terms with the fact that you did everything in your power to protect and save your child, but he died anyways. You fear you will never have a living child.
The death of your child leaves you more broken than you ever thought possible, and you wonder how life will ever return back to “normal”. How does one begin to heal from something so unimaginably painful? How does one restore their relationship with God when they feel so abandoned by Him. You feel hopeless, beaten, battered, and bruised. How do you cope with the pain?
For me, I was able to find a lot of comfort and healing in music. Granted, I also sought out bereavement and trauma counseling to help guide me through my grief journey. However, I really feel that music helped give great meaning to my experiences. It helped heal my broken and shattered soul, and was how I connected with God during those early days when I just couldn’t find the words to pray. I often felt the lyrics in particular songs described my pain better than I could ever express. Music was my safe place that I could retreat to when no one around me understood what I was going through. It helped strengthen my soul, allowed me to even feel connected to Ethan, allowed me to hold tight to my faith when it was in jeopardy of crumbling, reminded me that God’s promises are still true for me, that I was never abandoned by my Heavenly Father, and has given me so much hope for the future.
I created an I-tunes playlist, and though the past 18 months since losing Ethan, I can really see a transformation in my grief journey. I have continued to look for songs that are relevant to my life experiences, and that honor my sweet babies gone too soon (all six of them). As the months have passed, I have listened to each song countless times, and feel comforted, inspired, and hopeful. As I prepare for my IVF journey, I once again have found hope, inspiration, and continued healing through music. I thought I would share just a few of my most recent favorite inspirational songs that I have on repeat on my I-pod right now. These songs have helped me so much, so I really wanted to share them in hopes that they will help someone else going through infertility, miscarriage, baby loss. Many blessings and hugs to you all! <3